dinner at cheesecake factory: $40. drinks at yard house: $50. having sex in the VG parking lot while people are staring at you awkwardly: priceless. Goodnight.
I spent my night drunkenly staring at a picture of John Stamos. How do you think I feel?
I just wanna not walk straight. Is that too much to ask for?
my neighbors garage sale is really cutting into the time of day when i can smoke weed on my deck.
It was a rude awakening when I turned on my phone and the first thing I saw was a picture of David's dick with a face on it, I need to stop drinking in his basement...
What would you do if you came home and i was in nothing but the table cloth?
Im making gravy in a lace bra and jeans. Just call me the southwern wet dream
Drunk life lesson just learned the hard way: do not try to play hump the great dane. He may take you up on it.
The Universe is CLEARLY playing a bad joke on your sex life
I'd marry him just to keep his penis in the country
That's a really terrible idea.
Awesome I'm gonna do it then, thanks for the input
Idk maybe I'll talk to him once he gets out of jail just to yell at him and get my strawberry ice cream back.
i do my most serious thinking while screwing her. ive pondered everything from quantum physics to the life cycle of a badger. if i keep this up ill have a phd in no time.
Dude she passed out on the floor so you covered her with a blanket to make sure "no one would notice her"
And when she started moving around and making noises you told everyone, "it's okay, it's just my roomba under there".......
so I just realized.. of my 70k student loan debt, most of it went toward bar tabs, eightballs, and sweet-ass ties to wear to gamedays and other people's weddings. I think about shit like this while I'm at my mid-level management position. you know. "working."
Look upon your future, America, and despair.
Randomize
