I just accidently tagged myself in the picture of the 16 year olds spreading their legs in bikinis. Failure.
I owe all of my success to double stuf oreos and weed.
I'm going to but the new Playboy with Chelsea Handler on the cover. I'm pretty sure it's the only time buying a Playboy will make me gayer...
LA Sucks. The only way i can get laid is if i tell people im at a law firm that represent film producers.
And when they figure it out, they act like IM shallow.
I'd like to personally thank you for not letting anyone puke in any of the salad bowls this time
Last time I saw him the sun was coming up and he was asleep in the student wellness parking lot. For some reason people were peeing on him.
I made out with a bride-to-be last night at the bar. Jesus died for our sins right?
I'm handcuffed to your bathroom sink. Save me.
Someone is in my phone as "fireball girl" and keeps texting me. How do I go about finding out who it is?
Am I a bad person for getting my ex to DD me and a random hookup home last night?
FOUND: my underwear in the cabinet above the toilet. What the actual fuck.
Is it illegal to hookup with your fathers god child?
he drank half a bottle of bushmills, stood up to pee over the side, pissed his pants, sat in the puddle on the deck, told me my life goals were stupid and impossible, and wouldn't leave until 5am. by the time I got up at 8 I had 4 texts and 2 fb messages from him. AND HE STILL THINKS IT WENT WELL
The only thing i ask you for is vegan food and sex.
I should've known a straight guy wouldn't know all the words to Moana
Randomize
