If I was doing exactly what I wanted right now I would be getting fucked on a jet ski while listening to "When Love Takes Over" by Kelly Rowland while eating french fries.
my entire walk over here no one looked in my eyes. Period Boobs are BAACKKK.
In Canada she would be a 10 but here in America she's only a 7
Balcony sex scratched the shit out of my phone. Whups.
Condom broke. Took her to CVS for plan B and parked in expectant mothers spot. I laughed.. she cried
Pretty sure I tied my shoes laces together to keep myself from driving drunk. Fell like six times. Keep forgetting
i got a standing ovation for bringing skittles to the party
We had a pillow fight. It looks like an angel exploded here. A DRUNK ALCOHOLIC ANGEL
Puking on the side of the road and legitimately just got a head nod and thumbs up from an 80 year old man on a Segway... What the fuck?
Apparently that big girl from last night tried to take me upstairs when I was blacked out and all I did was grab Qs arm and whisper 'don't let her take me'
I'm going to have to have a long talk with god if my soul mate has a prince albert
It makes showers more interesting trying to drink a gin and tonic and keep soap out of my eyes at the same time.
You need to calm down.
All I know is when I checked my phone this morning google translate was open with "help the cow ate my robot" translated to French
You FaceTimed me to show me he was sucking your tit
I'm basically the yoda of knowing when someone wants to sleep with you
Randomize
