I may have told her we're dating for a handjob, Fake tits are overrated.
If she sucks any more cock I swear she will be a spermivore
I've been at work for less than an hour and have pooped twice already. That's what happens when you start sleeping with your roommate and don't want to use the bathroom at home anymore.
he was sending me dirty texts but i was watchin nickeloden and couldnt get into it
im ashamed your my cousin
Just checked my recent transactions online. Between the hours of 1 and 3am on September 30th, I went to 7/11 4 times. Unacceptable.
Considering the fact that you wouldn't give me my cat last night because he was "destined for broadway", yeah, I'm accusing you of stealing him
THAT DOESN'T MEAN YOU SHOULD LET ME CHUG VODKA.
I broke stuart's oven and showed up to the party with a squirrel.
I just invented spray cheese vodka. tastes real nasty but does the trick.
You need to stop me from lighting my hand on fire next time we're working
I warned you. Don't come crying to me when your vagina refuses to forgive you for this.
He said I was really mad at him on Friday. Dude I fell asleep in all my clothes and shoes, with my flashlight on, on my phone... I could have been mad at the wall. It wasn't my classiest day.
If me saying "come f***k me now" is talking, then yes.
Nice. I got home at like 3am.stopped at Walmart for a vacuum and weirdly a trash can. Not sure why high me last night needed a new trashcan.
I literally have a pirate chest of slutty clothing.
Randomize
