I think my penis got bigger when i lost weight
This smoking ban is really fucking with my ability to fart in public
I gave her a mint afterward. It felt like giving turndown service at Hotel BJ.
i thought to myself 'what a productive day'. then i realized all ive done is one load of laundry and shaved my balls.
I wonder what it would be like to go to the dry cleaners and not have to inform them that all my clothes are stained with booze.
Sorry about blasting sandstorm on a loop when i left for work this morning. But maybe this will teach you to not come home trashed on a tuesday night with some chick and have loud sex till 4 in the morning. The walls are thin, remember?
Things I can say. There is a photo of me pouring whipped cream into a midgets mouth.
Its people like u that make people like me go to rehab. He has a lazy eye for christ sakes.
Got drunk and passed out flintstone vitamins to everyone at the bar. I'm just so god damn motherly
I sent him a cookie cake that said "Congratulations you're not a father"
Waking up next to a guy you don't remember going home with and the first thing you say is: where is my tiara? = successful birthday
It's brunch. If you find dick at brunch. You an A+ hoe.
we decided to take the jello everclear shot at the party...didnt think it tasted any different....o dear god...the regret..
Had a dick customer and the words "eat my ass" slipped out. He proceeded to lick his lips and say present it. I think it's time I quit.
What did you give up for lent?
Diet and excersize. And I'm never going back...
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