we used that portable toilet as a cooler to keep coronas. next person who tells me hospitals arn't fun needs to come party in rm 180.
In retrospect - making it rain salt all over our kitchen was not one of my best ideas.
I just heard the term negative masterbation and I don't believe it
Some ambulance just rolled up to this bar and this girl just hops out of the back and walks inside
just saw a guy driving a atv down the highway in a tux.... only in Iowa...
trying to line up a DD for St Pats Day. i guarantee i will put out. or puke and pass out. really its 50/50 at this point.
I just can't have sex with a guy who has nicer eyebrows than me
I made her a sippy cup with eggnog and whiskey. My meditation app told me to go the extra mile for someone today, so I did.
Passed out mid cig in bed last night. Thank you cough for allowing me legal prescription hydrocodone.
I woke up and found cookies in my purse. It's a 12/12/12 miracle.
And I'm stuck at home while my dad's in vegas hanging out with Zach gali... Zach... That guy from the hangover
You were taking in your sleep. You were like Jess that's that animal we were talking about and you Hugged her feet
Lost my anal v card with Peter Thiel's RNC speech on in the background. Unbelievably appropriate
I sent her a dick pic and used brett Favre's dick pick. She asked me why I had pictures of old men's dicks saved on my phone... I just can't win bro
Never in my life did I expect to see Eric's mom in a cheerleader outfit along with other women
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