This guy sitting next to me just bought a plot of land off the internet. On a whim. In the middle of class
it was a mass text i'm sorry
do you usually send 'hey sexy' as a mass text?
Just got a citation from campus security for an "accordion disturbance."
i upgraded from drunk texts to drunk e-mails...real world here i come
he was so nervous about his first time.. it was like michael j. fox trying to put on a condom...
I would like to apologize for my MANY attempts of trying to motor boat you.
I had to help you off the toilet floor because you couldn't get up, then you threw your drink on the floor and just said "oh dear" really calmly.
Homeboy was juggling while taking bong rips. Of course he got laid.
It's supposed to be a shit show, it's an end of the world party.
I bought new panties to console myself ... you know, because I am going to lose my ovaries. Well, if I don't die of a heart attack first. But at least when the EMS folks find me, I'll be finely dressed from the waist down.
Captain Morgan does not know self control. Nor does he teach it.
They're the one who can profit the most when given the opportunity for blackmail.
At least that's how I've always seen it whenever I've been the Designated Driver.
That simultaneously explains everything and makes me very very terrified of you.
Is it weird to befriend your older alcoholic landlords?
you tried to strip tease your way into canada but got arrested instead. don't worry, your mom doesn't know.
I can't believe I slept with a girl who has the words shucks in her vocabulary. I'm getting less picky by the day..
Randomize
