Fyi I let myself into your place, I'm wearing some of your clothes in your bed. Come take them off
The bars here don't close until 4!
my legs don't close until 4
Turn sideways at McDonald's = actual directions to a winery
dude I just realized something - girls return my clothes washed so in thought bringing girls home is like avoiding going to the laundramat
How far into the semester do we have to be before it's ok to get drunk in between classes again?
I was just wished a Happy Valentine's Day by the (Mexican) Chinese food delivery guy. I've never had clearer "get your life together" message than that.
I tried to fuck this guy who I'm pretty sure has an erectile dysfunction
They drank shots out of my cleavage. Surprisingly, the one who did the best was a gay guy.
I've said it before and I'll say it again: your tits are a danger to gay men everywhere.
After he finished he sang his college fight song like it was some victory
I'm shaking a cocktail while in bed. Is that bad?
Talked a police officer into driving us the 1/2 mile home from the bars because we didn't want to walk. I never knew the back of cop Cars had plastic seats.
So I "accidentally" brought my road beers into church for this wedding
And they fell out of my pocket on the pew. Made quite a noise...safe to say I'm batting a thousand
You know the rule about how you feel bad for getting food and not offering other people you're around, does that apply when you eat burger king at a strip club?
I don't want to spend an inordinate amount of time with you, I want to have sex with you. Duhhhhhh.
He puked all over the side of the car and the head rest behind him...and then all he said was "America."
Randomize
