Stop bringing these fucking whores home with you. If I have to fight over the remote with a bleach blonde idiot wanting to watch the hills reruns one more time I'm pissing in your shampoo.
Can I sleep on your couch? My wife just found my eHarmony account.
His drunk text included an attempt at quoting a Nyquil bottle in MLA format
At the airport and im So hungover. Think anyone will help if I put a note on me reading "flying to Boston, please wake me as we board" and then passing back out?
We don't need a hotel, we'll just sleep in the post office.
We got kicked out after you decided to chase your shot using the soda gun behind the bar.
I don't think I'd trust a marching band with trampolines to not cause serious damage to themselves/ property.
Hypothetically, if a stripper with braces bites you on the cleavage and it leaves an open wound, do you need a tetanus shot?
She has puke on the back of her shirt not quite sure how the hell she did that
Just realized I'm going to have to make you sign a non-disclosure agreement before my wedding.
Where's Taylor bro?
Never mind found him under the sink
So it's ironically funny that my psychiatrist's office and my cocaine dealer's house are on the same street
We got to his house, cuddled while watching game of thrones, then fucked during the repeat airing.
I've decided to give up hard drugs for the rest of the year.
You kept licking me last night.... and said I tasted like jello. Next time, lay off the jello shots, okay?
Randomize
