On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
I just got an email from a bridal website with the subject "Countdown to your Wedding Day"... is 11AM too early to drink the rest of the wine we have?
Just found out they make medicinal lollipops, bought like 40 of them. Gonna go fill a pediatricians lollipop bowl.
Maybe the downfall to liking really smart guys is that they're to smart to think about sex all the time.
Well sorry I accidentally spooned your mom and possibly threw up on you
We may have picked the wrong resort. Brenna and I have already been propositioned for swinging twice and we've only been here 3 hours
The people at subway are so judgy when you stop to get a sandwhich on your walk of shame
She made sure everyone knew we were doing shots for her dead grandma.
he taught all the little kids to ski. it was stupid hot. i'm pretty sure my ovaries exploded.
I just did the math technically I'll be drunk until 2:30-3:00pm
I'm drunk and he's still weird.
i feel like every weekend turns into a giant blur of i dont want to know...
i need you to come over and tell me if you can notice that i'm only wearing a teddy underneath my trenchcoat
it was the most awkward makeout ever. it was record breaking really
...i feel like you have a lot of those.
Yesterday I febreezed my bed in between gentleman callers
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