i'm unexpectedly in a limo, eating poutine. the driver just offered me coke. good idea?
so I woke up and found tortilla in my belly button
Always fun waking up to 911 as your last dialed call.
just tripped. bootyfest 2012 will be my engagement party. i saw the whole future. i'm moving to the beach.
I definitely recall eating shredded cheese out of the bag while you were wearing that apron.
Why do I feel like the only way for this trip to end is alcohol poisoning?
What's the appropriate way to phrase "If you ever leave your wife give me a call. But we can still have sex periodically until then."??
Just so we're clear. I'm still making jello shots and bringing them to the bar in my purse. I don't care if its half off margaritas. Don't want anyone thirsty
I'm going to keep a tally of how many lives I ruin this summer. Starting today.
Already at 3 and it's not even noon.
Valuable lesson learned: if you reach the point where you have to talk yourself in to finishing the last half of your beer, you shouldn't try.
HURRY. I NEED DRUNK. MORE DRUNK.
I can't believe I forgot to wish you a happy 13 week-iversary of the time you raw-dogged a rando. Only two days late, so it still counts. And since your 14 weeks is coming up, you should know that at 14 weeks your baby can squint, frown, grimace, pee, and possibly suck his/her/their/zir thumb!
What's more sad than going to Target to buy Plan B and the new Sam Smith album?
drunk and crying about Shakespeare- how's your night?
Dentist appt at 2pm get milk poured on my tits by 2am
A marvelous 12 hours
Randomize