sitting with a guy who's looking at the cum stains on the bed. Do you think he's convinced it's from the cat?
No. He thinks you're slutty.
8th day he invented the big mac, 9th he invented pop rocks, 10th day boobs.
so i have my big date this weekend, and i was practicing giving head with a bottle in the shower. i stopped and looked at the botton of the bottle. it was PURE MOLD! if i die, dont tell the doctors how this happened....
So, I had a dream last night that girls approached guys at the bar and said things like "i would like to pleasure you tonight." No drink buying, no sweet talking or ANYTHING.....it. was. awesome.
dude, seriously he just sucked the milk out of the dogs breast and swallowed it... for $20, wtf....?
I was unaware that a tutu and pasties was appropriate attire to this
Rachel and his cat watched us 69 last night. I pretended to be embarrassed the next day... But to be honest I like an audience
Like fighting the continuous urge to sing Neil diamond "coming to America" kinda fucked up right now
Yeah. It's just like I have his virginity and he has my shoes and where do we go from here.
if elf comes on TV one more time i swear to god i will smash my brains out with this fruitcake
Being able to fart in her presence and not be judged is why I pay half the rent.
Today would have been my 8th wedding anniversary and I woke up with a hot European guy in my bed. Divorce has it's perks.
Nothing like putting a Percocet up your nose because you spent your night drinking heavily and can't drink water to make you heavily reconsider your life choices
My face feels like a midget just gave birth to quintuplets
I’m going to Lewinsky this place
That makes no sense, but it sounds terrifying
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