you sent me 45 texts saying "meow?"
did i?
I just saw the preacher from the church I grew up in while I was buying condoms at the drugstore... he remembered me.
He kept referring to his penis a his "love gun"
we fucked while he was on the clock. He didnt even take off his bullet proof vest. Dont tell me thats not bad ass.
honestly, i just want you to have sex with him too so that you can fully understand my appreciation of his dick as well.
You may have graduated college on time, but my 6th year ass gets to see awesome tits every day just for showing up.
I shouldn't trust a guy I just met with the pull out method. That's a big responsibility.
It was a taxi full of fist pumps and chanting to "face down, ass up". It was that 1% that makes my job worth it.
how did operation slutty penguin go?
pretty epic. there was a guy who was also dressed as a penguin. i asked him if he would keep my eggs warm while i went fishing for the winter
we fucked and then he hand fed me a hot pocket
If you're doing something that makes your best friend lock you in a bathroom you shouldn't be doing it
Hey, remember that time a week ago when we walk-of-shamed literally down the Vegas Strip at 8:45am and I had one broken heel?
So after the absinthe shots_____(fill in the blank area for me please)......
You’ll lick BBQ off my cock but no ketchup on a hotdog?
whenever dudes said you had nice tits you'd scream at them "This double push-up bra is full of deceit and lies!"
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