if i can run in heels then i can drive
apparently smacking a customer in the face with his iPhone was not part of the WOW factor we learned in training...
we were making out and he got up to change his pants. I wonder what would happen if i took my shirt off.
I just met the 30 percent of the population with an STD
He was wearing a Knicks jersey I had to go home with him. it was a rough season.
I booked us a cruise for November. Lose 20 pounds and don't cheat on me before then.
I heard porn and smelled bacon cooking. I knew you had to be home.
i was way too optimistic last night... got back to my apartment and the porch light was still on, like i'd actually make it all the way home.
You demanded I give you a glass of water, so I set it down in front of you and you knock it over and roll in it..,
I wanted to be a dolphin.
What has two arms, one testicle and no credit card debt? This guy.
We bonded over the fact that we each, separately, got arrested on the same weekend.
I think I hit my head on every surface in that apartment last night
You peed on a pole and declared to a cop that it was your pole and yelled at him to not even look at it, and then yelled at all of us for looking at it.
Do I need to call and sing lullabies? Because that's creepy, but I'm a really good friend.
I was just in the bathroom and some guy yelled all hail the king... i cant go anywhere without getting recognized anymore.
Randomize
