hey what are you doing
hooking up with some marlborough girl. shes gorgeous!
i texted you because i like you, and i told my freinds you were my fiance. but sine we're not dating you're not cheating and i'm pathetic
your ex dropped by. you can call me dwight howard, cuz im the king of rebounds
Just spent 45mins blow drying a joint i dropped in a beer....i felt like i dropped his infant child....
you can't exactly throw up or pass out at the pentagon so i had to pull my shit together
Hopefully. Play it cool. Bust out a few jokes. Chew with your mouth closed and show your boobs.
Is snow just God skeeting all over the place??
Yes. Yes it is.
I may or may not juuuust be reaching the point where I find some humor from waking up in the parking lot at the standard.
you were stumbling down richmond carrying a girl in a nurse costume. its not even halloween dude
My tweets this weekend consisted of me telling every bar I went to that they were my favorite valentine. I've never felt like more of an alcoholic
I fucked in the bathroom while everyone listened and banged my dick against a table shouting "order in the court"
The hardest part about being a child of divorce is when you're at your dad's house but your condoms are at your mom's house.
Son of a bitch took my liquid eyeliner
I'll admit it. It was a bad idea to sneak a fart out while she was taking a nap. Can you bring me a pair of underwear from my dresser. Preferably the one with the walruses in party hats one.
Was about to close the deal last night until he said he hadn't seen the Taylor Swift video. So I made him watch it before I let him have sex with me.
My friend came into the apartment in real handcuffs at 4 in the morning. She was laughing and running around and then proceeded out the door...
Randomize
