I saw his package. It spoke to me.
what do 4 police cars, 1 ambulence, and 2 fire truycks have in common?.... My driveway
ask me if i forgot to go to a midterm today
I'm glad we have the kind of friendship where if either of us is too drunk to fuck a hot guy, we pass the responsibility to each other and get the job done.
I just re read that. We really need to get our lives together.
Well now that I've given all the athletes mono there goes our chance of winning any conference championship
the repo guy said it was the first time he'd ever started to repo a car with someone fucking inside of it. he might have said 'doing it' instead.
Like her Facebook page isn't even hers. It belongs to her tits. It's Titsbook
I was going to ask the people in the kitchen to keep the volume down, but they're cooking pasta at 3 AM and one complimented me on my polka-dot nightgown. They're high. No volume control.
Blood everywhere...karaoke was nice
They wouldn't let me on the bull because I couldn't even sign my own name... She let me try 3 times...
He's like a Lana del Rey song that took human form
I dont remember you getting a condom thrown at you. I think I had a concusion
Juice tastes so weird without alcohol
Fucking hate kids. In particular I hate our kids.
Gonna do a few lines then clean my room so I can feel like my life is somewhat in order.
Randomize
