In honor of tonight, my penis will make an appearance
I totally just used John Mayer's lyrics to get laid.
when my dick couldnt get hard she said "fly on little wing"
I just went in my fridge and said to my turkey "see you thursday". I seriously have issues
the only muscles i have these days is kegels
There's going to be a pool, lightsabers and alcohol. What could go wrong?!
doing laundry. just found my fishnets from Friday. the ENTIRE crotch is torn out. guess that answers the "did we have sex in the cab" question.....
We bonded over the fact that we each, separately, got arrested on the same weekend.
my vagina is starting to think like a penis, and I'm not even slightly worried
One failed naked backward somersault off the bed and I realize - I either need to drink less or workout more. Perhaps both.
My mom just walked in and saw a picture of his penis. She then asked me "Do you even have a cervix left?!" I don't know what to feel anymore HA
Yeah well that's a good thing right? Like mothers approval? Kinda like a Fathers blessing but. . . better?
I'm at the point in my life where I'm gonna sell my eggs for cash
The CEO is on this whole 'what do you do with your spare time?' kick. Umm... get drunk and have sex in bar parking lots.
What I'm doing now is like me taking a bagel, dropping it butter side down, leaving it for six years, picking it back up, and trying to fuck it
Don’t drink the Bloody Mary - it’s vodka and salsa.
Randomize
