It's kind of sad that your greatest accomplishment today is that you stood up and didn't fall down.
Then we all started singing, "Our house, in the middle of the street. Our house, fucks a lot of freshman meat". It was magical.
Power hour was a bad idea. It turned into power 4 hours, then power puke. Then power sleep till 3.
Honey, I don't care how "classic you" this is. It's not gonna matter if we can't find you in the morning.
You're the only true friend I have, if true friendship is based off who would be there for me at 4am during a boxed wine crisis.
He could have been a one armed faceless howler monkey. I was so slammered that I didn't care what I was having sex with or if whatever it was... was doing it right.
I take it that, because we are not guzzling a box of franzia, everything went alright?
I've been asked to reupholster their slam-couch so I found some off-cuts of medical-grade, hermetically sealed fabric. She'll be slammed upon for generations to come.
i need to start buying Plan B in bulk and leaving them at the door. I'm really sick of walking to CVS with my one-nighters
You're finding a boat, I'm going to sleep with a guy that lives above a bar and has 24 hour access. We are really nailing this adulting thing
She just called at a dance party, and you stopped mid puke to join. Another successful night.
I barely trust you with my tinder, why would I let you take the staples out of my head?!
I need to show you how I feel about you by fucking you repeatedly.
Guess who just stumbled into work hungover, wearing yesterday's clothes, covered in hickeys and glitter, and carrying a giant bottle of rum in her purse.
I just took plan B at work.
This is the greatest story of all time.
You left me a note that said "The Earth is blowing up. Bring the Rosé." WTF.
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