If my vag had twitter, what do you think it would say?
I changed my mind about Tim Gunn. I like him now. Mostly because he said someone's dress looks like a gay t-rex. Or something.
Reach down the front of your pants and feel around for a while. When you find your balls, leave the library and meet me at the bar.
He screamed for everyone to hide, unplugged the music, then talked to the cop. Last I saw he was high fiving him...
He's the fucking cop whisperer.
I might have hooked up with a 2003 alumni last night in the basement
Dude you were ten when he graduated
Wahoowaaaaaaa
Wait do we still get bagels if no one got laid
I know it doesn't seem right, but sometimes, bagels are just flat out called for.
The dog just shocked himself by peeing on Christmas lights, should I have saw that coming?
I can make a sex schedule on Excel and send it to you guys
quick, give me some iron man trivia, i'm going to make this girl regret quoting tony stark in her tinder bio
Specially since he wanted to forget that we even touched, which makes it funnier because I don't think you can take back licking someone's butthole...
Tom just texted me he's Tindering from his hospital bed while they're running heart tests on him.
That's dedication to the game.
I'm like 89% sure I could get him to buy me a car in exchange for a half-assed handy.
Remember the time you cried about coconuts
Well, I can now cross "dirty drunk homeless hobo" off of my bucket list of people who have been successful wingmen for me. North Carolina is getting weird.
My nipples are raw, I've yet to go to bed, I feel like death, and I'm at work. Thank you jack, crown, and Lafayette!
Randomize
