Some broad at the bar just asked me how much money I make. I don't know whats worse, the question or the answer.
I just tried to unlock my house with the car remote
im just gonna turn drinking alone on new years into a tradition
Drunk man just did a hand stand, fell over, knocked over a whole table of desserts, and didnt lose his cowboy hat. winner.
there are chunks of pepperoni under the sheets. can you be here in 10? breakfast in bed?
happy find a boyfriend by next Valentines Day. Its like a new years resolution but depressing
Just showered now I smell like berries instead of shame
I just made the answer to all my security questions "fuck you" with various levels of ! marks. I may regret this in the morning.
yes i am an adult who snuck out of my parents house to cuddle with a guy and then came home and listened to taylor swift. judge me all you want.
Neither of us have work tomorrow and we live w/n walking distance. This is your official Sandy booty call. Come rock me like a hurricane.
There was a time I was reining queen of Sunday funday... And at that same time I also weighed 20 pounds more, had the morale of a spearmint rhino stripper, and woke up most mornings asking more questions than fucking Barbara Walters. I think I just wrote my own epitaph.
Drink water, eat food, and stop tazing yourself
Knew i was going to puke. So i grabed a bowl out of the kitcken in the dark before bed...Ended up puking into a spaghetti strainer...
He made a group chat with him, his wife, & I. Is this really life!??
Is 6 weeks really a benchmark now?
Ask me in 6 more weeks, when they're in a bisexual polycule.
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