i've never heard her scream louder than when the koreans scored. what am i lacking in bed?
i woke up to the sound of my dad getting blown. this is my life
you're the only person I know who would bring a water bottle of screwdriver to a wedding, and toast with it during the speech
So I woke up in a strange bed with a note taped to my arm giving me directions back to my brothers apartment.
And after getting thrown out of the frat house, getting carried up the hill for a half an hour, puking 5 times, and almost getting stopped by campus security, she still insisted he sleep with her. Gotta give her credit, even blacked she kept her eyes on the prize
I waxed the left side of it and was in too much pain to do the right side so my crotch looks like cruella devil
Me and this 7 year old almost finished a large pizza. And when I say me and this 7 year old I really mean me.
Posting happy birthday to my grandpa on Facebook.... Then realizing my profile pic is me dressed as a slutty cop when he used to be a police officer.
Your resume just got faxed, I also modified it a bit and sent it to strip clubs...expect weird phone calls...
And then he said he wanted to "get really weird with me on my horse." I took that as he wants to fuck me while riding my horse. Could be a good time.
Next time, please cut me off before I'm at the point of pooping in the bathtub again
Uhmm, it's called hentai.
I DON'T CARE WHAT IT'S CALLED I DON'T WANT TO SEE IT ON MY WORK COMPUTER
I made a nest in his bed. I'm not leaving
I dunno what's worse, that one guy here said he'd blow somebody for Tim Horton's right now, or that someone else looks like they want to test his sincerity.
Come get me, I'm fucking scared.
It's starting to get sad how I have this 'new beginning' feeling after every negative pregnancy test
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