I think I'm maturing; i was gonna watch porn and then take a nap but i motivated myself to put my laundry in first.
She invited me to an Eagles game, I mean that is almost better then if she told me she could only function with large amounts of semen in her system at all times.
i took a field sobriety test yesterday. a crowd gathered, watched me pass it and applauded. then the cops arrested me because i took a bow and fell over.
My male hookup buddy is gonna meet my female hookup buddy, let the awkward hookup games begin!
She started howling at the moon. That was pretty much the deal breaker.
I need to get a life, I am either crying at every glee episode or just wanting to blow rails off photos of us
The best part about living in a college town is the annual rush of senior girls who want to get in their lesbian experiment before they graduate.
And you will no longer be getting a thank you note from my vagina
2 men making out for 2 seconds to trick a cop so they don't get arrested for being pulled over rolling a blunt is not gay.
I like to oil my gears with cheap vodka and strangers
New holiday tradition. Eat all the Xanax in the am, then wake up later after festivities and eat all the leftovers
Sooo, did you delete me cause I said I wouldn't babysit you while you did shrooms? You're a grown man.
I wish I could send you one of those donuts I had. Like teleport it to you. Because it would change your life
You went outside, peed in the front yard, and asked me to bring you some toilet paper.
I had a dream that I was smoking rasberries out of a bong. THEY WEREN'T EVEN DRIED...
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