today's thought: if you're naming your fb album "wEdDiNg dAy!!!!!!" you're too young to get married
I just paid $5 for a shot of el toro and the bartender wasn't even hot. Rock bottom.
You said you didn't want to drink anymore so you started shooting vodka down the back of your throat using a syringe. Oh, and then you aimed it at my eye ball...vodka in the eye hurts btw.
I had to smuggle a street sign attached to a 14ft long pole out of my house this morning. The list of reasons for me not to drink just keeps getting longer.
Dude what the fuck...
I'm stealing this baby.
Well I always support illegal activity but where would you put it?
Judging by the garbled spelling in the calendar reminders in my phone, drunk me really wanted sober me to take a pregnancy test today.
My mouth tastes like what I imagine a hobo's skin would taste like.
Her craziness is the sexiest thing about her.
I can't wait to read your obituary.
Are you alive?
I woke up under the pier.
I need to stop acting like a drunk bitch. People are going to get the right idea about me...
Today I learned that when you lick a mans butthole, you get wined and dined at a nice french restaurant.
Like what? And no, shrooms cannot be party favors.
It's like those toothpaste commercials where 4 out of 5 dentists would recommend your vagina
She's high and screaming MEREDITH IS A WHORE
Bitch got stabbed in the eye. With a fork. Wait for it... At church. I was the only one at a party interested in her story. Only in the south
Randomize
