Call me "white mamba"
Your dick is not a dangerous deadly poisonous snake
It is white.
dude your girlfriend is running naked down the hall with a raw chicken taped to her stomach saying this is what I'll look like pregnant...run far far away
Some guy stole lobsters by hiding them in his pants. We should strive to be like him.
definitely fulfilled the lesbian status quo and fucked her in the back seat of my prius
look at his last status update. 3:41 a.m. "i love u and miss u already egg burrito. happy trails friend." OF COURSE HE SMOKES POT.
Your penis chewing exercise is not working
The venue for the new years party is close to the hospital for obvious reasons.
I mean you were pretty drunk at one point you asked if we could have a glass of water ready for you in case you choked while bobbing for apples, but you said grape juice was preferable. You can't choke on an apple btw
He accidentally opened the car door during sex and all the lights came on. Needless to say, that kid passing by who was walking his dog got scarred for life.
She's impossible to please. Other than with two fingers and a tongue.
It's gotten to the point that when I close my eyes to cum all I see is candy crush
But what I'm actually thinking about is how everyone except me had sex on my bed this weekend and now I'm just sleeping in it with a 7 foot tall blue panda
at what point last night did i get this tattoo of an anchor made of dicks?
around eleven
You had sex with a Scottish dude with a peg leg....how could I NOT tell that story??
I just fucked her boyfriend. Happy birthday, bitch.
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