I will come over but only if I don't have to take my sunglasses off for it
At the Phils game. My gay buddy just wanted up to a bunch of Mets fans and said "I'm gay, and even I think Mets fans are a bunch of fags." I love this fuckin town.
My penis is bigger than his and I don't even have a penis.
there was a kid getting taken out of the waterpark handcuffed to a wheelchair singing "tryna catch me ridin dirty"
The only thing in that hotel room that we didn't fuck on was the roof
My face is tingly. And my legs are being massaged by golden elves.
When are you not under some influence?
Since last Tuesday...yesterday.
you went over to those random dudes and told them you were an ordained minister and would like to bless their food. they laughed and agreed, then you said "now bow your heads in prayer" as soon as they did you grabbed a taco off their tray and bolted out the door.
She said I told her "I'm to drunk to take your bra off." then she said I walked out completely naked to go watch tv.
I'm currently on a bowling date with my girlfriend and her boyfriend. It's pretty fun.
His mom said he was in the ER and asked for prayers and positive thoughts. Apparently, me wishing the clap on him is not what she had in mind.
Successfully defrauded the county government. What have you done today?
Would I do it again? Probably not but still,I don't regret a single ratchet thing I've done in college.
What's the best way to tell a guy he can call me when his impending divorce is finalized?
I'm eating dinner with his parents and my phone goes "MOVE BITCH GET OUT THE WAY!" Thanks.
Randomize
