dude, when you're random girl from last night came down the stairs this morning she fell all the way down. I laughed. She just walked out. I hope shes ok. Tell her I give her a 10 for that landing though.
I'm at verizon, the guy asked me why my phone is full of seeds. Deff. Not leaving my phone with you anymore.
He'll choke me during sex but he won't eat a strip of bacon. Vegetarians are weird.
You know it's time to cut back when your unemployed drug dealer roommate tells you that you party too hard.
Baked and hanging out with Al from Home Improvement's son. You can't make this shit up. Tuh-rippin balls
Just to be clear, the only reason you're allowed to scream "COCKTAIL SERVANT" at bartenders is because you have nice tits
Good news. That bum you thought that died is alive.
The only thing I like when I am high is sex. And Cheez Its. But mostly sex.
Duuuuuuuuuuck. and by that i mean fruuuuuuuuck. and by that i mean fuuuck
its the first football sunday and my boyfriend isn't excited. this isn't gonna last unless he makes me snacks and brings me beer during the game.
About 98% sure I just walked by some dude jerking it in the library. I'm guessing his college experience isn't going as planned
you're hired as official boob wrangler
We were making fun of some people having sex on the beach, an hour later we were having sex on a golf course
I'm hiding in my office refusing to turn the light on holding puke down stealing and shoveling down the meeting snacks and regretting my poor life choices. goldfish crackers are like crack to me right now. how is your day?
If he knew how badly I want to blow him he’d stop talking about his wife
Randomize
