Jason just peed on the potty all by himself!!
"omg awesome!, you do realize we aren't together anymore"
I met the friendliest cop last night
Whoever said drinking more helps a hangover didn't drink 96% of a fifth of whiskey last night. This is absurd.
My mom made me chili for when I get home from the bar. Those are the standards I expect you to live up to
He's Hawaiian. Thank god it wasnt a real American
Went to anytime fitness at 3:34 am drunk after the the bar and getting whataburger. Lifted weights with my cheeseburger between my knees. That's called DEDICATION.
I made this pact with my vagina, though. No more heartless fuckery.
Is the booze for tonight or the apocalypse?
Both. Pregaming the zombie party and hurricane sustenance.
Literally this kid just told me he's not planning to live past 30. Then he hit himself with a frying pan.
I really wanted to pound but her roomate was making mac n cheese n shit so I was trying to time her moans to the drone of the microwave
Dude of course I want to. Your penis is beautiful.
Come help me clean and have sexual intercourse with me
Bring breadsticks
i definitely signed you up to receive text message notifications from a jukebox last night. Not even sorry.
You were staring right at you dick at the urinals, then looked at all the other guys dicks and fist pumped saying "I win!"
I thought one was bad but really there are two woman stupid enough to marry our brother...unreal
Randomize
