I just feng shui'd our living room furniture. You may be mad in the morning
Taking my tights off outside the club to give them to the homeless man was my contribution to humanity. The fact that it was snowing just made me feel like superman.
I would have thought, as two of my best friends, you girls could have cought me as I fell out of the shower. There are so many bruises.
Btw he dated my mom. You're Eskimo siblings with my mom. Good job.
I've literally already typed in by booty call text for friday night. all I have to do now is wait for is drunk me to press send
So I had sex in a bulldozer lastnight now that's definitely a first...
Pain in my heart, regret in my vagina
He still texted me and invited me over a day later so I guess I'm the lovable kind of psycho
I was on tinder the whole time I was waiting for my pregnancy test results at the doctors.
i just wanna know who wrote "dibbz" on my ass?
you tried to fight the cop who was busting the party, you said you had a constitutional right to do a keg stand...
He couldn’t find my clit with a map. Literally. I drew him a map.
i just woke up in my dog's bed, on my parents floor, my outfit on backwards, and a bottle of lube poured down my pocket.
The guy i took home was a circus freak. He jerked off 3 times in front me after we had sex. And he came every time.
BRB. These cougars are squabbling over my junk and one of them is offering to pay my tuition
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