in retrospect, i probably shouldn't have referred to his dick as "travel size"
I'm in my boyfriends bathroom and I shit so bad, there was no toilet paper but his mom's clothes were on the floor and I wiped my butt on her underwear... now it looks like she sharted
Also I just saw on facebook your sister is taking pole dancing lessons. Just a heads up.
last time I sleep in the lobby. woke up to some girl asking me what floor I lived on. somebody put me, couch included, on the elevator.
it is entirely possible that the police will be knocking on the door in 25 minutes
I joked that if anyone could fuck a 35 year old woman while wearing head bands and arm sweat bands it's you and look what happens.
You thought your socks were broken. They were just inside out.
I'm stoned at 1030am, watching Maury with my exboyfriend. I need to make better choices with my life.
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
My dad picked me up from the bus station and as soon as he saw me he yelled "bus backwards is SUB!" and started laughing, I'm like 800% sure he's stoned. I'm so happy I came home for spring break.
He asked me how france is treating me
Tell him you got so much dick you may never come back to the US. That ought to keep him away
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. It doesn't matter what it's about. Last text was about a homeless dude
I sleep better at night when I win things. I never really weep for others.
There is a french fry attached to my steering wheel and a note that says "eat me yum yum" can you explain this?
do you know why there was a glass jar of hot chocolate and a traffic flare in my shower?!! like where did that even come from
Randomize
