I replied to the university automated mass text about the armed robbery at the on-campus Starbucks with a sad face. Basically sums up my night.
Rooting for you and your team in the Beer Olympics this afternoon...! Love you, Mom
that's what penises do
they tell lies.
He upper decked the toilet, got himself lit on fire 6 times and lit 4 other people on fire in the course of 3 days.
At 4am he sent "uree asss ize anmazin"
I've never been so embarrassed. It's like waking up as Fred Durst.
She's the one that asked you what my favorite color was & handed you a piece of bacon
i think I'm just gonna buy a new vibrator, body pillow, some guys cologne to spray on it, a life time supply of wine and weed and be done with all this shit
i refuse to be around anyone not wearing a sombrero...its cinco de mayo
He purred while eating me out. HE PURRED AND I LIKED IT.
That sounds worse than that time you thought out an entire story of how big bird would kill you
Oh I fucked him, definitely. We played Strip Halo.
what do u think we would be doing right now if we were together
Urinating on unicorns
Like my mom really needs to know just how non existent my sex life is
It's been THREE DAYS. Why do I still have the munchies?!
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