fuck, i never want to drink again I drunk dialed matt last night and broke up with him the second night in a row. FUCK QUADFEST
Dude, everyone in your family has slept with that girl. Her vagina is like the Hindu version of a Bar Mitzvah.
Defiantly just threw away our yearly bottle collection in front of the campus tour. The school should pay me for recruitment
I wanted to take a shower but I forgot we made applesauce in it last night.
Apparently I grabbed her ponytail and cut it with an exacto knife.
I shouldn't trust a guy I just met with the pull out method. That's a big responsibility.
I was to the point where my socks were drenched in ranch dressing
Boats looked like robot pelicans and time was slow and now im on wipe out
I don't care how great the sex was, I cannot unsee what has been seen. I regret ever stalking his Facebook.
Grass is always greener, Allison, grass is always greener
The grass is drunker and I'm lying down on it
The only person who DOESN'T think it's a horrible idea to sleep with my ex is my therapist. Obviously I trust her judgement above all others.
You both snapchatted me that. Like, I just got a double dose of penis pastry.
Well, if you're anything like me you'll get a lot of ass when you turn 30, so that's a plus
You said if the geese can walk on the lake so can I.
I let a drunk straight girl spank me with a metal paddle at the bar tonight. Remind me to never do that again.
Randomize
