i think the next time he gets me off i'm going to scream bangarang
ru fi oooo
They still haven't come up with a cure for a hangover; good luck cancer.
on toilet. in drag. drinking coffee vodka. I regret nothing.
im pretty sure this vending machine only exists when im drunk
The kid across the hall found me in the hallway using a hot pocket box as a pillow. I said its okay I live here.
They wont sell alcohol here on election day! HOW THE FUCK DO THEY EXPECT ME TO ENJOY THE ELECTION SOBER?
Happiness is having a 12 hour day thinking that there are only 2 beers in the fridge when you get home, but then finding 8. Fuck you Monday, this week I won.
You were so high that you only FaceTimed me so that you could stare into your own eyes and not actually say anything
Just keep in mind that she didn't start telling you you had the largest penis she had ever seen until AFTER she found out about your multi-million-dollar trust fund.
When she introduced her friend to me I shook his hand and told him not to leave his ugly vest at my apartment in the morning. He took it off and bought me a shot.
I never thought I'd have to apologize for tasting like absinthe and cheetos before tonight
Hun your dick isn't big enough for you to be that lame and predictable
Quick question, did I crash teeth with you when I snogged you, or did I headbutt something between the car and the bed last night?
She has an alarming number of pictures with cat ears but the sex is amazing.
You left your pants here again. 4th time in a row. How can you walk home without pants?
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