we screwed to my bar mtzvah tape, I became a man while watching myself becom a man
He choked me out. i woke up to poo. I dont think i like S&M
sometimes i think life is slapping me across the face and laughing, saying "ha ha! you're an adult!"
Life's too short to consider the larger psychological underpinnings of my lust.
we had incredible sex, then he proposed with the vibrating cock ring
Remember that foreign guy who never talked last night? He just came out of my bathroom when I woke up.
Well the nurse forgot to take all my stitches out, so my surgical tools are peroxide, kitchen scissors, fingernail clippers, a pocket knife, and 11 beers. Let's do this...
i wish i had a super power and that that super power was shooting out mdma from my fingertips or something
I'm in the city buying alcohol. I just got warned by a homeless man on the street that I shouldn't look so pretty "in these parts"
That awkward moment when you can't tell what smells like tacos: you, the cat, or the strange guys blanket your so tenderly swaddled in.
I was thinking about getting her an edible arrangement for an engagement gift. You want in?
I'm buying her a drink and not telling her to dump his ass. that's my gift.
like i got into his car and the beatles were playing. this kid is def getting his dick sucked
I smoked my last bong as the sun rose. It was magical.
All of my friends are talking about changing their lives because they have an alcohol addiction and I'm over here reminding my boss that it's national beer day.
This guy needs to stop asking about my feet
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