i wanted to go smoke pot, so i told my mom i was getting tutored. she asked what time i would be back, i told her learning doesn't have a curfew
you were chalanging people to drink the "worlds biggest jager bomb" - a VASE of Redbull and a PINT of Jager... is it no wonder you dont remember anything?
I'm such a fucking super-fan. I was worried his cum would wash away his autograph.
Now that I'm single, I like to think of myself as in a relationship with Taco Bell.
You stole my camera, took a picture of yourself and said "that's beautiful, just as beautiful as our waitress".
Tomorrow, if I don't look at least 5% better than I do on a regular day to day basis, I want you to hit me and tell me that no one will ever love me if I continue to look like I just rolled out of a cocaine induced hibernation. I'm asking you for tough love.
I feel like just to watch it, I need to be high. To understand it, I'd need enough drugs to kill an elephant.
he was too drunk to climb up my loft. i owe my beating teen pregnancy to four pieces of steel
Because you stood over the Ice luge screaming STONE COLD and poured beer on everyone
I suppose I should wish you a happy one year of bumping uglies
I just got hit on at the bar by a guy who used his mother as a wingman, she was pretty convincing. Only in Stratford.
I'm stoned as hell watching the new Star Trek movie. My life is 110% better than it was an hour ago.
I need something for rope burns and an inner ear infection. Separate incidents, FYI..
Well I mean I HAD done a pretty good job of not pooping myself through the years
I like being woken up by phone calls of you sabotaging marriages
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