My favorite part of the day is the 2 seconds of ignorance you have when you first wake up. Right before you remember where your mouth was last night.
my dad is drunk dialing our relatives who are stuck in a blizzard asking them to pick up sun tan lotion for him cause hes too drunk to drive to the store.
I just had a Brazilian done for this guy. He's getting first-date sex whether he wants it or not.
I'm at breakfast at my kid's school and I have noted at least 3 other parents with last night's red wine mouth and bleary eyes. I don't know why I always get so paranoid.
It would be like a dance party with a dick inside you. I think that's what Ke$ha wants for the world.
My brain is like scrambled eggs. If scrambled eggs were trying to escape out of my skull through my forehead.
Something bad happened. I'm just giving you some notice. So you can smoke some pot and hide all sharp items in the house.
Somewhere in this city is a lost rubber penis that needs to find its way back home
I am the Angelina Jolie to his Billy Bob Thorton. We just don't work.
Well I'm missing half a toenail if that's any indication of my night
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
Like pizza and mermaids make up about 1/3 of my thoughts on the weekends.
I could tell my life story through kermit memes
He said I have the “Denzel Washington” of vaginas.
Intoxication Level: I'm as graceful and flawless as a fucking dinosaur.
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