No seriously, I have to sell the house because my wife found out I'm gay.
He told me his condom was going to expire tomorrow and he needed to use it. I can't believe I fell for it.
I heard that if you win you get to have sex with me. You guys really need to stop wagering my vagina.
all nice guys are gay and all hot ones are assholes
You're fat. Stop making excuses
I wish that one Sunday morning I could wake up feeling like I have my life together.
He offered me a ride home but i walked. He lives by an elementary school so a 10 yr old safety officer helped me across the street during my walk of shame
I feel like I just lived out a children's book called "The Day I Went to Law School Stoned"
IT IS CHRISTMAS EVE AND I AM SUPPOSED TO BE HAVING SEX WITH AN ATTRACTIVE BLACK MAN IN THE NEXT FEW DAYS AND I JUST GOT MY PERIOD. WHEN PEOPLE ASK ME WHY I DON'T BELIEVE IN GOD I WILL TELL THEM OF THIS DAY.
You tired to make us "vodka tacos". Which was just you dipping pitas in vodka.
Any good?
Well. FUCK YA. But that's beside the point
Literally sitting on my bed in the dark trying not to throw up
Just took acid. Wish me luck.
I worked out twice today and you're dropping acid. My life sucks.
Someone left a middle school yearbook here. I recognized one kid from banging his mom last year.
So... Sorry we took your wife to the strip club last night... And sorry we bought her that lap dance... I think you're getting closer to your dream of a threesome, though.
I woke up on the couch screaming in pain. I don't know how ended up there or why my foot was double the size. all I know is I'm now in a cast and never drinking tequila again. worst hangover ever.
I think my stomach is breaking up with me. It's giving me back everything I ever gave it.
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