Happy hour is for amateurs. Been drunk since 1230. Fell asleep in a disney viewing of UP. Went to the roosevelt and drank more. Now im stumbling around the grove.
I was pretty stoned. I thought I needed a seatbelt at the restaurant.
When we woke up, I asked if we could play "what does your name rhyme with".....he said 'bave' thank god it was easy
He sent me a picture of his ass and said the backdoor is open. Almost grabbed my keys and a condom before I saw it was a group text. Not nearly drunk enough for his desperation.
You said your legs stopped working and then pulled yourself around the floor with your hands.
That explains the wood chips stuck in my nipples.
We have your weave and dirt in our room.
I love how you sexted me before you told me happy birthday. Thank you.
Also, my phone suggested the phrase “puke in the mailbox" how many times have I had the need to text that to people?
Ok thats it i need a list. Full names, nicknames, in which frats, with a photo, of all the guys youve hooked up with because three of the same guys is ridiculous
You were a hurricane of blowjobs and glitter makeup. You came out of the closet and took the house down with it
Yeah, I probably need some combination of electric shock, massive quantities of LSD, and enough couch time time to make Woody Allen say "Enough".
Good dick will make you do a lot of things… Great dick will make you consider buying a house.
I'm good. But Nutella doesn't taste as good as it used to.
He sent me a pic of his coffee mug to be like "I'm having coffee too.” \nImagine that. Morning coffee. In your boring ass mug. Dick pic or gtfo.
No offense, but I don’t think I would want to see him in anything skimpier than a hazmat suit.
Randomize
