I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
you're bored at work aren't you?
I'm toying with the idea of beating off under my desk
So I don't think its herpes anymore. Could be a sign of diabetes though. Is it bad that I consider getting diabetes 'dodging a bullet'?
You put a nerf gun to his head and demanded him to take you to taco bell..
Girl in my class with fire painted on her face. I. need. that. weed.
You're surprisingly coherent for someone who thinks her couch is breathing.
I wish you could be here to assess my herpes before he gets here.
You told me if you could get your shoes on, you deserved a coke and rum. We never made it to the party.
You do realize how pathetic it is when the woman who does your bikini waxes has seen your vagina more than I have
I'm going to be fiscally responsible and buy a handle.
It's official. I'm gonna fuck hot art class guy. But this won't be like hot Samsung guy. I'm gonna make sure I follow through this time.
I woke up to some strange woman rubbing peanut butter on my thighs
that was the most beautifully crafted sentence ive ever read that involved the phrase "genitals or whatever"
Bad part of last night: I puked in my hair. Good part of last night: I assembled a posse.
You kept pulling me aside saying "look what I found"
Planning a vacation around my dog. I have become one of those dog moms.
Randomize
