awoke with 47 plastic lawn flamingos in my bed and on surrounding floor. explanation?
you said they were your minions of evil that protected you from ferrets.
I dunno... she just cried a lot and I kept sighing.
so she sprained her ankle somehow and her friend had to carry her out while all 7 of us watched. do we even need to vote on that or is that automatic induction into the hall of shame?
dude i feel like at any given point 3/5 of that family is trying to fuck you
You just met him on Thursday, and you've already nicknamed him Golden Penis?
She sat on the stairs and yelled sex positions at us. I don't remember if we went along with it but judging by the beer and condoms I'm thinking yes.
besides i was ending his dry spell. it's written in the bible that jesus likes that right?
Having vodka and cokes for lunch at work today because absolutely ZERO fucks are being given.
Faces of meth called, they want their look back.
New rule. Every time you and I have a disagreement that lasts longer than 10min, while in a bar, we'll have a shot. Figure we'll eventually start agreeing sooner rather than later...
I feel like cursing someone's first born child right now. Like I wanna maleficent some bitch.
I spent two entire hours explaining to a guy why I wouldn't make out with him. How was your night?
YOU SLEPT WITH A GUY WHO HAS A BILLBOARD IN HIS HONOR?
You left your pants here again. 4th time in a row. How can you walk home without pants?
Drunk twilight is the only twilight
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