Do you think Capital One would let me put the Tub Girl picture on my Capital One card?
Beat you to it.
I seriously dont think i have ever ridden a horse sober.
I ate the snowman's head. That is not a drug euphemism.
Day drunk and a can of soup and wine straight from the bottle and alone and on my kitchen floor.
I just spent the last ten minutes making a timeline of my sex life. 2010 and 2011 I am calling "I can't believe Im still clean" years.
he slipped a picture of a kangaroo under my door that said "im sorry" on the back and passed out on my lawn.. who the fuck is this kid?
I sobered up in the middle of it, that I was hooking up with him in a rosemary bush. I woke up smelling like a pasta dish
My gut feeling that we had reached a new level of intimacy last night was confirmed early this morning when you sleep farted on penis.
I don't care if my next phone has to run on the blood of virgin koala bears, I don't want to be scrambling for a charger.
I'm eating your cookies as payment for having to listen to you. Happy sex
You kept hiding under tables and grabbing people's legs and shouting SHARK ATTACK.
On a unprofessional note, there's a new girl in photo.
That wasn't unprofessional. The fact that I'm going to fuck her is unprofessional.
You wanna know what I want to eat? Questionable Mexican food before I go drink. Makes for excitement. Will I puke it up or shit my pants
I want to create a human. Discussion later.
When the nurses wouldn't let him smoke in the hospital he decided to just roll around on the floor.
Randomize
