even in my darkest moments, having another person eat my jizz would make me smile
i just sent this text using only my big toe
I want to leave work and go home and eat Five Guys and masturbate
I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
tagging him in all 73 close-ups of your cleavage might have been a little obvious.
You were almost as fucked up as I was the night I hooked up with a bob saget look alike...
all I wanna do is swim in an Olympic sized pool of Gatorade and tylenol.
Just missed the last train for another 5 hours. There are balls in or around the mouth of my life.
She said we "made love." I had to explain to her that when both parties agree that the first time time they have sex both people agree to video tape the whole thing its not "making love" but more like random good time fun sex.
Oh FYI, people asked how/why I met you and I didn't want to say "drunk at a party on an air mattress" so I made a story up. It was a very cute and charming story with no alcohol.
WHY WERE YOU COOKING NAKED?
WHY WERE YOU SLEEPING ON MY COUCH?
well my grandpa saw your dick pic, so why don't you tell me how my day is going
So now I know what having sex while surrounded by chickens feels like.
I don't know what happened last night. But I just woke up in the high school boiler room
He is completely naked, curled in a ball, and rocking back and forth in the shower humming lullabies to himself. This is your responsibility since I'm going to be fucking someone in 5.7 seconds.
Randomize
