Going to Kmart high is like jumping in a time machine back to the 80s
I asked him how he was going to celebrate tomorrow and he said "tits, clits, and bong hits"
So from the residue on my balls I think it was mashed potatoes she had in her mouth
Being a slut is okay if you're being a polite slut, right?
He left with a pair of dress shoes, some goggles, and a shot glass. I think we should follow him.
he told me my vagina was like a beautiful piece of salami
Found a 10-can wizard staff hidden in our closet. Did we cut someone off?
That's yours. We cut you off.
I'm stuck on the dance floor between two fat people. I don't think they feel my existence. Please help.
Smoked a topless bowl this morning. For International Women's Day. Quite liberating.
I found my spirit animal in the shower. It's a sloth/bear that lives in my chest.
I know they deliver ice cream, but do you think I can ask the delivery guy to watch the rest of the movie with me too?
I called 911 when they kicked me out of the bar last night.
Don't read too much into what I just sent. I love you, always have, but I'm drunk and sorry for the confusion.
Which part? The boyfriend or the sex?
Boyfriend. SEX IS ON!!!
I just want to find somebody intelligent enough to trick my parents into thinking she's not a trophy wife. Is that too much to ask?
This year my vagina is giving thanks that several of my cubs are coming home for the holiday
Randomize
