You should really figure out how to get me a picture that will pop up on my phone when you call
Just upload a picture of Bea Arthur. That's what my soul looks like these days
I hope you shit your pants in a socially devastating situation.
Since when is my name a synonym for head?
Why does Corona taste like a burp?
the fire alarm went off. we werent sure whether to leave or turn the music up louder
Oh I forgot to tell u. I hit someone with my car in the RiteAid parking lot. More like a nudge.
We fucked in his mom's shower and all I could think about was being too old to be sneak banging while someone's mom was out of town and how much mildew was on the shower curtain. Fuck you, Adulthood.
No no don't get confused. We do chemistry homework on Thursdays. We screw on Fridays. Other than that, Words With Friends is our only communication five days a week. We are NOT dating.
I got up before the sun today. That makes me sun for the day.
When did you start smoking in order to be high by 4:30?
I'm having one of my monday morning walk of shame coffees if you care to join.
I can smell the sangria seeping out of my pores
I hope to God it's not the new neighbors having sex, because what I'm hearing sounds like a mildly defective vuvuzela or a cow giving birth.
I'm trying to get laid this Halloween, not inspire the next season of AHS
He snorted adderall on my table. I have a feeling he's not trying to buy me flowers
If catching your vomit in my hands while swimming in a bath tub full of it doesn't make us best friends, I don't know what will
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