I pretty much gave up on you when you told me you couldn't go home yet b/c you had to stop at church first. It was 2 AM and you insisted you were late for mass.
Just got a call at work, I have to consent to a random drug and alcohol test by end of business day, if you arranged this it's the best/worst April fools prank ever.
apparently I kept yelling at her that I wanted t-Rex sized lines. awesome
she's throwing a head of lettuce everywhere shouting HEADS UP and trying to get us to play catch with her. i'm scared.
WHY AM I BEING COCKBLOCKED BY A KID PLAYING HAVA NAGILA ON THE SAXAPHONE
We really have to stop convincing people tazing is the cool thing to do.
I think I'll bring the beer we scavenged from that other party. What goes around comes around, especially when it's Corona because that shit is not staying in my fridge
You were convinced you would hurt my car if you opened the door. Then you barfed in the pretzle bucket Peter gave you
Get your clothes on you are our DD for the night. The usual three way payment
We are 100% horrible people, and im extremely happy we are friends
My mom wants to name our new dog the same name as my fuck buddy. This will be weird
Do you know how fucking great a bath bomb is when you're high?
I didn't want dick. I wanted spaghetti.
Hey when you get home, can you do me a solid and throw one of your pregnancy tests on my bed?
EPT or First Response?
the teacher told me he was disappointed and when I asked why he just shook his head. remember that kid that caught us having sex behind the school? pretty sure that was his son.
Randomize
