two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
last thing I heard her say before I passed out was 'this is great. I never get to be the big spoon.'
After we hooked up, he left the room and no one has seen him since last night. That kid redefined hit it and quit it.
Woke up to a huge puddle of water in the living room floor, apparently I made an indoor snowman.
What can I say, your life is charmed. I'm on the couch trying to decide whether or not to puke again.
I need a picture of your dick for my friends birthday card
Just successfully went through airport security with shrooms. It's gonna be a fucking awesome new years
The party went downhill once the fire department had to be called to put out the kitchen fire.
I'm just now starting to feel better... I remembered sleeping on the floor. I was peeing and saw his rug and it looked so comfy
I'm trying to get weird tonight. Like I want to see bitches crawling on all fours drinking milk from bowls and shit by 5 am. You down?
Road head absolutely translates. That's the beauty of road head... It's so portable!
At the light, his mom pulled up next to us while I was giving him road head. He forgot to tell me she was meeting us at the movie. So long story short, I convinced her I drove myself, pick me up in 20.
its 11:20. i'm drunk in class flying paper airplanes for my final. what the fuck is my college experience right now?
Got a blowjob while watching James Bond's "Octopussy." My 13 year old self would be so proud
I'm, like, this 🤏🏼 close to buying crocs
And you're also 🤏🏼 to never putting your dick inside me again
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