Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
I wish i could convert my hornyness to productiveness. I would have written a fucking book by now.
How could you not be happy? Its like "and then I found 5 dollars" but "and then I found a handle of vodka"
As long as there aren't any pictures of me humping the penguin, we are good,
she reminds me of the first time i discovered masturbation. that's how you know it's true love.
I just laughed at the word pudding. I have no idea whats going on right now.
I can't wait till they start promoting the testiciplasty. Turn those old prunes into fresh tight kiwis!
You meet the best people naked in a hot tub at 2 am.
Just used an eyelash curler to open my beer since I didn't have a bottle opener. Things are starting to look up.
Do they still have sex clubs in San Francisco? Because that'd be an interesting way to spend Easter.
If there's anything else you're planning on stealing from me, please let me know so I can set it on fire
listen i get youre a daddy dom but that doesnt give you a pass to make dad jokes
My night has consisted of googling cat penises and creating a Tinder profile.
I JUST FARTED SO LOUD AND HARD I IMMEDIATELY TASTED IT
you kept shouting 'jesus penis' when i was on the phone with 911
Randomize
