wait so...it's like an actual thing to masturbate using the detachable shower head? WTF I thought I was being creative!
People were stuck in the elevator screaming and freaking out. I banged on the door and yelled, "fire depart!" They got excited and then I ran away. lolz
My mom walked down and caught me drinking by myself, watching the nanny at 3:30AM. I had no idea what to say
I've got 15 minutes to eat dinner and drink a 40. Four years of college has all been training for this moment.
I woke up with her little sister yelling "she's dead !!" from the bathroom doorway.
#1 benefit of having an equality sticker on my car: some girl flashed me while i was driving home
He just asked me if I'd be interested in couples therapy. Fuck my life.
Btw: some husbands are not impressed by me trying to snap photos of their wives camel toe.
Perfect. And my grandma just called me and talked to me for eighteen minutes telling me that she was worried because of my Halloween costume that I'm not a Christian and that I'm not eating. Wtf.
I'm seeing double so when I get home can we have a threesome?
apparently while i was high i thought that putting a dinosaur temporary tattoo on my inner thigh would keep me from taking my pants off and having sex with him...
...it didn't...
I'm permanently fucked. Every liquid I put into my mouth automatically tastes like fireball.
I mayyyyy have moaned a name that wasn't his
I have no idea what happened last night but I sobered up whilst showering with a mop.
Dry spell is over and now I’m drowning in a river of dick. The dam broke and now half the dicks in DC are trying get in my skirt
It’s a glorious dick miracle!
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