were having a shit on karen session at work but then she walked in so we used code names instead and she tried to join in like she knew them
Your clothes are in washers 2,3 and 4. I arranged by darks, whites, then frat... I'm not even joking
Could you please tell them to stop whispering "thundercunt" every time I walk in the room?
I need to find my pants, a way out of here, and a cheeseburger.
He set an alarm on my phone to an infant screaming and puking to make sure i take my pill. its working.
Im blowing my nose and the only thing coming out is beer
I did not get laid last night bc my condoms were too small. I'm allowed to be dreary
He just pulled out my weave during sex....needless to say I'm embarrassed and in need of another shot pronto
Well yes he stayed. He brought Guiness, them he shaved me. It's a long, but beautiful story.
I literally just skipped to the fridge when I realized we had enough vodka left to get day drunk
I mean when you laced a shot with $200 worth of cocaine I could see why you'd be mad when somebody drops it
Happy "I'm glad our dad made us sisters and then summarily downgraded himself to sperm donor" day.
RAAAAAAAAWWWWRRRRRR
THATS ME HOWLING MY ENJOYMENT OF THE THINGS WE CAN DO WHILE GETTING DRUNK
Fantasizing about the apocalypse is fun and shit until the conditions that could lead to one suddenly seem feasible
I could have sworn that I went home last night... but judging from the couch I just woke up on, apparently not.
Randomize
