Every time a guy reaches down to touch my vag, i feel really sorry for all the transgender girls who still have a penis there.
That's weird cause every time i feel a girls vag i feel way worse for all the guys who reached down there and got a penis.
i kept telling her phones are not food, and she countinued to put it in her mouth..
waking up outside has become so normal, the paper boy knows to set the paper next to me
Within 5 minutes of max walking in his pants were off and he was wearing my snow goggles as underwear.
shattered his nose in 8 pieces. Blaming it on the dog. I feel more guilty about ruining the dog's good name than I do about ruining his nose.
Is buying her a loofah for my house commitment like? I don't wanna give the wrong idea
I think there's a website warning girls about me based on the 4 who approached me separately tonight and called me evil. Fuckyoudave.com?
If you need us, Zoe and I will be on my kitchen floor drinking Gatorade and crying
The fact that it neither of us came up with the reason of "it's morally and ethically wrong" speaks volumes about this relationship
I just hope the day something happens to me my phone just dies, like literally died and will never turn on ever again. I feel like God owes me that much.
all I know is this drummer better stop eye fucking me while he plays cowbell. it is way too early for that.
I swear I was in Legend of Zelda Twilight Princess and American Ninja Warrior at the same time. I'm never getting high while rock climbing again.
We power houred with shots of red wine. Somehow we ended up with 7 bottles and lost Chris. Trying to find him this hungover is proving very unsuccessful.
Got my period and a UTI on the same day. Fuck you, Sunday.
I have two bottles of emergency tequila stashed under my desk at work.
Randomize
