just shaved my legs at the gas station bathroom before going to the club. is that too ghetto?
i wonder what thom yorke's orgasms sound like
So I'm driving and this guy next to me at the stop light is reving his engine and honking at me. Motherfucker thinks that's because I'm asian and drive a honda I'm automatically going to race him
I sometimes forget that turkeys are alive even when its not Thanksgiving.
I spiked my fruit smoothie. Taking bikini season diet to a whole new level
Midnight run for medical supplies ended several hours later with a lapdance to the Braveheart soundtrack.
Yeah well I used to see how many bud lights I could slam down during the pledge of allegiance, my record was 4, but I could do better now.
We were thinking he might be gay. Like how the fuck do you not even make out with a girl that made you a grilled cheese
I can't take any time off so I'll be here drinking mimosas til I puke at home with my kitty
I'm eating Doritos at 9am because last nights weed is just now starting to wear off
! asked the random counter guy from 7/11 for Percocet. he immediately called his hookup
my throat is bruised, my back is scarred, my vagina feels like it's going to fall off.. you're like godzilla. you destroy everything.
I just spontaneously learned how to embroider at three in the morning.
I also almost burned the house down in the process. Don't ask me how. It's a long story.
This guy needs to stop asking about my feet
Cover for me. Stopped at Chris’ for a quickie. Broke a high heel and there’s jizz all over my black dress. Fuck pornstars for making workday sex look easy
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