she's like "i'm so proud of u" ... and then i threw up on myself
dude I just sharted for the first time ever, kind of gross
well what did you think, shitting your pants would be fun
Only girl at that party wearing a fake beard and I STILL get laid...
I am totally the chick from Intervention who barfs up wine and then re-eats it.
they started a semi-successful rumor that toby keith died. who says fraternities don't have goals
he's been in the country 4 hours and we just did it in the closet. he called me "miss flirtatious in the cupboard." i'm in love.
my whole body is tingling just thinking about the orgasm hes going to give me
I dont think he stole the pillow. I mean if he wanted a souvenir, my thong was on the nightstand.
Just woke up with a blunt in each nostril and a lighter duct taped to my chest...good lookin out
Jesus christ how hard is BRING SNACKS AND DRUGS to interpret? I trust your judgement on this one.
Horrible. I told her my girlfriend is in the hospital and she tried to give me a lapdance.
He ate me out on the balcony. My asian neighbors cats are judging me...ALL 3 OF THEM!!
Apparently I pulled that girl's number while I was trying to insist my drivers license had enough money on it to cover the tab.
I'm trying to get laid this Halloween, not inspire the next season of AHS
If a weird guy texts you in the near future asking if you are satan just go with it
Randomize
