you got kicked out last night because right after you said "whats up?" to us, you downed your whole vodka ton and threw it across the bar.
I am so high I am beginning to unironically like Vanessa Carlton.
I woke up at 1pm, looked in the mirror and fist pumped...I might still be drunk
How am I a tease?
Dude you flashed me ur vagina and walked away.
ONLY PART OF IT.
Chances are I'll be there for your wedding. Camelbaks filled with jack and coke are appropriate attire, right?
Breakfast of champions
Is that a dick crepe?
It is indeed
What I'm saying is DOWNGRADE. Like, do you see the caps lock?
IT ISN'T. I'M A LITTLE HIGH.
YOU'RE ALWAYS A LITTLE HIGH.
NO. IT'S RARE THAT I'M A LITTLE HIGH. I'M ALWAYS HIGH AS FUCK. THERE'S A DIFFERENCE.
Please tell me how the stripper got back to Sarah's from the trailer park
Everyone is like kids first day of school and I'm over here like I need to stop sleeping with random
Hey guys.. So I accidentally broke the front door last night
I dunno that I'd be trusting enough of junkyard tequila to drink it.
Jesus when did you leave my house? I found 2 bottles of wine, vodka, and a book with blow all over it wondering if I was read bedtime stories
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
condom fairy costume came in handy...we were making out in my living room and he wanted it so i took a condom off the costume and we did it right there...with my tutu still on....
Randomize
