I'm going to community service drunk, and I'm still going to be the most normal person there.
yeah after seeing those pics of her puking into my underwear drawer i remembered again why i didn't want to invite her.
you didn't check your sock drawer yet did you
then she stuck her tongue in my ass
I thought we were talking about reason you aren't going to marry her?
sorry about having a shotput competition with your microwave, seemed like a good idea at the time
Oh they knew you from a bachelorette party! You were the pole?
Ohhh shit yeah that was me. Fuck. I hate myself when I do that.
He said he only likes girls with a sense of humor, after he took his pants off I understood why
And for some reason I just want to have sex with EVERYTHING
Jesus christ it's been two texts and we are already talking about dildos
IN THE MIDDLE OF HOOKING UP, HE IS CALLED AWAY ON AN "EMERGENCY". FUCK THAT, MATT'S CAR IS NOT AS URGENT AS MY THIRST.
The first crop top of the year and you're rocking it in the ER. #ratchet
What is my life?
How does one go about breaking up with their bf on vacation?
So, Cheetos don't microwave great.
I can still be you friend and be there for you. And sometimes get drunk and fuck you.
He came over and fucked me while my conference call was on mute. Working from home is the best.
So many people have told me I have great tits tonight, I'm unstoppable
Randomize
