I mean, you're like my second best best friend we're so close I can't believe you'd do that to me
Dude ... paraplegic porn is really creative..
I'm too hungover for some lady to talk to me about potatoes
These guys are walking up and down the hallway yelling, "Yo, is this the floor with the unisex bathroom?"
the pharmacist hit on me as i picked up my herpes medecine. i think we found a winner.
I was hidding Easter eggs in CHURCH this morning when one of the older men came up to me and said "I always knew you'd be a bunny just not the Easter kind" ... Our congregation obviously has high hopes for their pastor's daighter
Come over and help me clean up your so-called "winter wonderland" that you made with the fire extinguisher in the kitchen last night.
I woke up and blew hamburger out my nose. That kinda night.
He had me believing he was actually British until he came and used his real voice.
I feel like my teeth are caked on with other teeth. What did I just smoke?
He recognized me by my ass from about 15 yards away. I must have a REALLY nice ass.
Professor just informed us that she can't come to class today because her daughter broke her glasses and she can not see where she is going. Am I still drunk from this weekend?
WHO ARE THESE GUYS WHY AN ORGRY ON A MONDAY LMAO
good news: i got laid. bad news: by your boyfriend
As we were walking to her place she stole a pizza from the delivery guy's car and when we got home she grabbed a slice, two beers, removed her pants, and said "call of duty?" im going to marry her
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