Sweetheart, you've always been a horrid bitch...
I went to moterboat her and I started laughing, so I just kinda blew on them... I think I'm gona call that move the sailboat.
Last night was epic. Hooked up with Emma Watson, found twenty bucks, and then passed out on my floor.
No you didn't. You drank unbelievable amounts of 151, passed out in someone else's bathroom, and we carried you back to your floor. Nice dreams though.
I just found a beer pong ball in my mail box. I think its a sign
That weatherman I hooked up with is on TV again
i wanna anger bang this girl behind me at work. she never shuts up with her annoying voice. but her boobs are phenom.
Have you ever wondered what your stripper song would be?
I think she was eating a cup of ramen noodles while we banged, or had a seizure
Alls I remember is making out with that chick.
Nope that was a dude
We did hand stand push-ups while beer bonging. Its now a thing
Just to be a PITA after I die, my will leaves 1 cent to each of my FB friends. I hate my lawyer.
Is it ironic that our divorce court is a block from where we had our reception? Or is it just sad? Alanis has confused my understanding of irony.
I don't just want drugs. I deserve drugs.
You know my vagina and my heart have a mind of their own even when it’s pouring snow.
I apparently sent an offer letter to, and then subsequently onboarded, the wrong candidate. How's your Monday?
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