Just caught my bro jerking off to a lane Bryant catalog
are you going to last longer than 15 seconds
nope
im at a party in sweatpants, slippers, and a basketball jersey from the eighth grade, 10 bucks says im still getting laid
We had sex on a ferris wheel in canada, our relationship will never be the same
The bartender laughed but the manager kicked me out when the mom conplained. There's no way my fart harmed that baby in any way
He dumped me and I don't wanna fuck his best friend for revenge. Is this what maturity feels like?
i feel like words won't express my appreciation properly so at some point i'm just going to bring you pizza then go down on you for an hour. fair?
I wasn't so much your wingman at that point as I was the interpreter of you point at shit and mumbling to the cab driver.
He gave me an elaborately handwritten invite (on a bar coaster) back to his place and whispered in my ear 'i have ping pong'. And he said byob. fuck THAT.
Your christmas gifts are already wrapped, how on top of my shit am I?
I'm hungover as fuck and had to break into my own house by throwing a cinder block through my back door at 4am. You're more on top of your shit than me.
Im at target. Idk why I'm buying condoms AND a tutu for my cat. No one who dresses their cat up has ever gotten laid.
We told you to go get more fire wood and you came running back with a log that was on fire, not drunk at all.
Can we just talk about how the only thing I have on my camera from this weekend is a video of you putting your whole fist in your mouth hahahha
When he breaks your heart after he reveals he's gay, I'll be there for you. -Love, Dad
Found someone cuddling with my Uggs this morning. Guess the hundred pillows laying next to him weren't good enough.
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