I learned his name tonight. This now makes him a real person. Obviously, I no longer want to sleep with him.
I hope as the only other living being in this apartment you can explain to me why the toilet was full of cheerios this morning.
she was carrying the quesadilla around the bar like a security blanket
Also, never say you're cool with a threesome if they ask. That shit's a trap.
I'm pretty sure at any given moment you could wring out my liver and get a couple of shots of jäger.
Now I can't say for certain but I'm 90 percent are I bathed myself with dog shampoo last night
Ate a live seahorse, then tried to order a nacho bell grande from an ATM.
How the fuck do you get to keep practicing as a Nurse.
My vibrator looks like a lipstick tube. So does my mace. I just realized the potential problems of keeping them both in the same bag.
I'm covered in glow paint and I can't find my shirt. So, successful night
I was driving around a golf cart with a keg in the back before I got caught by the cops. First slow speed chase ever
You know she's gonna fuck shit up when she shows up in a neon wind-suit
Of all the kinds of relationships I've had in my life, I'd have to say, lab-partner-with-benefits takes the fuckin cake
Crazy homeless man drinking beer out of a vitamin water container on the bus just set me up on a date with the yuppie next to him
We couldn't find her anywhere. Finally, I saw her sitting in my bathroom floor spraying hair mouse into her mouth and whispering "I fucking love whipped cream." WHAT DID YOU GIVE HER AND CAN I HAVE SOME?
I remember waking up on the bathroom floor and seeing my teeth behind the toilet
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