the roller ball on my blackberry is the closest i've come to touching a clit in 2 years.
I just lost $50 at the races, got drunk, and woke up to my ex-gf. Apparently the good decisions kept on rolling...
This chick just checked into her walk of shame on Foursquare... I think I'm in love.
You were spooning my trash can and I had to crumble cookies on the floor by your face to get you to eat
And don't try to lose a condom in me tonight. My vagina is not a storage compartment where you can just leave something and try and use it again later in the week.
We play this game where we catch up on what we missed over five years of not talking to eachother, then we have sex like nothing ever happened.
WE SHOULD MAKE A WORKOUT ROUTINE CALLED BARCARDIO
but we were going camping. it only made sense to bring the 6 ft bong
Sorry. Not doing life today. Love to. But can't.
Because I'm currently dying, lacking waffles, and vaguely convinced I'm an eagle
So why exactly are your shoes in my freezer?
Idk I think he's weird but he's also from Wisconsin so that might have something to do with it.
So I was having a really bad night...so I decided to steal a pumpkin.
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
Our son just found our secret Sex Dungeon that is no longer hidden in our basement. He brought his Xbox and the TV down there he is currently sitting in the sex swing playing video games. What do I do?
Randomize
