Just got caught pissing on a plant in her room while she was in the shower first word out of my mouth were my bad
A squiggle pen was my first vibrator back when I was young. I would lock myself in my bedroom with that thing. Oh to be 8 again.
Guess who got arrested for public drunkiness, and called jimmy johns for the entire station last night instead of someone to bail me out? The cop that arrested me drove me home. Win.
I just worked out and used handles of vodka as weights. Whoever said alcoholism is detrimental to you health obviously has no fucking idea.
I offered to go to AA with him...not because I am admitting I have a problem but because I want to see what they are saying about people like us.
He managed to scream "cowabunga bitch" before he went down on me. Let me know if you still like him.
scratch that I can tell you where she is shes drunk on a beach somewhere being a penis slayer
We did shots with the Tupperware consultant last night. I'd say the night was a success.
I feel like I should throw some tampons around my workspace so everyone will know what's really going on
There is nothing wrong with watching parks and rec all day then getting blackout drunk by night
I'm not sure. But he has a pet sugar glider. So, points either way
As long as that's not his name for his dick.
Ok, not to minimize the significance of that beautiful anecdote from your childhood, but here's a video of my penis.
Made out with some dude at the bar last night. Was fun until he thought bohemian rhapsody was by The Who
I don't want to be flamboyant (says the guy who bought a hot pink suit to be a flamingo for Halloween)--but I don't mind being a little extra.
Omg worst high ever. I'm watching Parks and Rec, and all i can think about is how andy, leslie, and tom are my closest friends. Forever alone.
Randomize
